November 11, 2008
It is late and I have already tried going to bed, but sleep eludes me. The Doc said that if I write down the things that I'm thinking about as I lie in bed wishing I would fall asleep that I might just make it to La La Land. Otherwise they will just keep cycling through making me a very grumpy insomniac. I actually got out of bed last week to write a poem. Crazy. I'm 31 and nuts.
So here is what's keeping me awake at night tonight. Still a very selfish and childish reaction to testimony meeting last week. I have been really down this last few weeks and Sunday was already one of those really hard days. But the fragile since of composure that I was clinging to started sliding down a slippery slope when someone from the ward got up to bear testimony and included a public list of thank you's. Can I tell you how opposed I am to this. It doesn't matter whether it's the Grammies of the pulpit...it is always a bad idea. Thanking one person is different. If you single out one there is less chance of making someone feel left out. But when you thank several you almost assuredly leave someone out. You leave someone thinking man they mentioned everyone by me. The funny thing is that people always preface it with, "I know I'm going to leave someone out"...doesn't common since tell you to stop? Anyway, I felt totally useless and like a total failure as I had tried to make a difference and "be there". So I'm still struggling. Not because I wanted to be publicly thanked but because my efforts didn't make the list of what mattered to this person. I feel like a total teenager!!!
Problem number two. I have been in a total comparison rut lately. Isn't that what happens. You fall into a little depression and it gets only worse when you start thinking about your friends and the things you admire in them. But because you are already down your friends successes and talents make your own seem so small. Again...just a mean trick but I have been all too susceptible to recently. So here are the things I wish I could be...(not going to be a hypocrite and name names)
-the way friend A's children always look for some way to help whenever I see them in public
-friend B's total penchant for unselfishness, seriously she is always asking me how I am and if there is anything she can do for me
-the way friend C's children all love each other and get along
-the talents of friend D
-the gift of Motherhood that friend E makes seem so natural
-the way friend F is so devoted to the gospel and has made it such a focus in her family
-friend G's humor
-the relationship friend H has with her husband
-the way friend "I" can keep it all together and is always on the ball (I lost my purse twice this last week while shopping)
-the way friend J's children sit so reverently in Sacrament meeting
-how beautiful and stylish friends A-J are
Wow, so now that I've gotten all that out, I'm supposed to sleep better tonight. Somehow I doubt it.
I read a quote once that is so applicable here. It went something like this. Life isn't just a collection of beautiful pictures but the things that happen in between that get you from one postcard picture to another. This is definitely one of those "in between times".